Yuk

Charlie was in the garden earlier and shouted, 'I DUN A POO!'. Delightful.  So I asked him to come into the house so I could change him, as he walked up to me he said, 'I dun a right stinker'. An appalling sentence in both grammar and content.

Cheers Charlie

I took Charlie to an indoor adventure place today. I climbed up to the top of the main frame with him choosing the route that requires you to crawl through a large tube, constructed from a combination of material and plastic, to reach the slide - it is the only thing that looks unlikely to hold an adult's weight and I said to Charlie that I'd go the other way, he responded, 'Mummy too big for iss?' I said, 'Sort of Charlie'. He shouted from the other end of the tube, 'She get stuck in it?' I told him (as I started my descent) that was doubtful as it wasn't that narrow. He then bellowed, 'MUMMY TOO FAT?!'. Cheers Charlie.

Our day thus far

We went to the butchers earlier - luckily 'big bottom' wasn't about and instead the young butcher served us. I've noticed that Charlie often licks the glass display cabinets when I'm in shops - especially in the butchers, I'm not sure whether this is normal.


We went to another shop afterwards and I, holding 2 dresses, I asked him to come into the changing room with me - he glanced at the dresses in my hand and said, 'No - dey won't fit me'.


Later we were playing a game of trying to remember as many different animals as we could - I'd say one, then he'd say another and so on and so forth. We'd been through quite a few and he'd offered a cow, pig, lion, sheep, goat, gorilla, snake, cat, monkey, crocodile, dog, mouse, zebra and grandma.

Shopping

We were shopping earlier and Charlie was sitting in the trolley amongst the shopping as usual. He said he wanted a cake and we went through the usual discussion of why he couldn't have a birthday cake intended for 22 people  - his argument of 'it has a frog on it' wasn't particularly strong. I then agreed to buy him a cake if he promised not to keep asking to eat it immediately. He solemnly agreed to my demands. As soon as I put it in the trolley he was off, 'Want da cake, iss Charlie's cake, a bit of da cake? GIVE ME DA CAKE!' He went on and on, and ended up sobbing loudly. He then started shouting, 'STOP CRYIN' MUMMY!'. I gently explained he was the one crying.


When we left the supermarket he kept asking if we could go and see the birds. I asked him which birds he was talking about and eventually said 'wiv da ickle birds and a big carrot'. The pet shop which has a parrot.


He now calls parrots, well - parrots. He has found an animal book which has a picture of one in it. He keeps finding the right page and thrusting it in my face and saying crossly, 'Iss not a CARROT mummy, iss a PARROT!'  

Waffle

Just dropped Charlie off at nursery. He was eating his waffle in the car on the way there, having had a lie-in he only had time for his banana and milk when stationary and had to do the waffle on the move. When we got there, as expected; it was barely touched (Charlie just stares at food sometimes and forgets to actually eat it and then wonders why he’s still hungry). He said he would leave it on the seat for later (I was relying on him having a relatively short memory and going to chuck it when I got home – I have been caught out on numerous occasions doing this – he does not have a short memory). I persuaded him to leave it on my seat and then added (I am very humorous) I would sit on it on the way home – Oh ha ha ha ha – what a funny mummy you have – sit on it – ho ho ho - Charlie was not remotely amused (I suppose as his intention was to eat it later I do understand). I therefore made it quite clear I was not going to sit on it (I didn’t actually want to sit on a waffle) and he agreed to leave it there.  When I got home later I got out of the car with a waffle stuck to my arse.  

Busy boy

I got up last night at 4am as Charlie was asking for a drink. I also wanted check his temperature, it was high so I gave him some Calpol (after giving some to ''coon' and '(Winnie the)Poo' he agreed to have some) and then gave him some water. His new cup has quite a stiff lid and Charlie can't actually open it with his hands so does so with his teeth - this makes me cringe and I asked whether he could not just leave it open? No, I told him he could damage his teeth, still no, I resulted to pleading with him and he responded with a sigh - 'just go 'a' bed'.


We went to the park earlier and Charlie sort of clung on to his pushchair on the way back so he could stand up but not walk, obscurely all he kept doing (as he did nothing and was pushed home) was look at the floor, shake his head forlornly and say quietly, 'I so busy'.

Dr Charlie

Charlie is a bit poorly. He is running a temperature and coughing. Unfortunately I am unable to rely on how he thinks he feels - earlier he was very flushed, his temperature was 39.1, he was acting lethargically and looked very glum - I asked how he was he said 'better'.

Wrong again

I dropped Charlie off at nursery this morning - as I opened the car door I was completely overwhelmed with the smell of shit. Delightful. Clearly there was some muck spreading going on nearby and the wind was travelling in the wrong direction. Charlie, who was still 'tied up' in the back started sniffing and then observed, 'it smell o' poo'. I agreed with him and and he sniffed again and said 'fink iss cow poo... no horse... no iss PIG POO - iss PIG POO mummy!'. He obviously has a discerning poo palette. I left him debating with the other children as to what type of poo it was.


When in the car later on he found a baby hat on the floor (he used to wear it when he was about 4 months old - I don't clean the car on a regular basis) he picked it up and started trying to jam it on his head, I offered to help but he was a bit worried about this - I think he realised I would have to ram it on his head with force and it may hurt. I said it was a bit small due to having belonged to him as a baby - he stroked it and gave it a kiss and I told him that was very sweet (definitely preferable to a toilet) and said you like babies don't you Charlie - he looked at me disgustedly and said, 'no mummy - I like hats'.

BOO!

I picked Charlie up from nursery and ascertained that he had been a 'Good boy' - this is something I have now come to expect but don't take for granted. When he first started he was good for about 2 sessions and then decided it was more fun going around and whacking his 'friends' (as nursery refer to all the children, although I'm sure at this stage they would have begged to differ). I was rather upset about this along with his food habits - he has lunch there and they make a note of what they have eaten - the first few times I checked to see how he had done - they said 'Charlie, lets check - he ate everything - oops - that was the other Charlie - yours ate nothing' - it was all a bit traumatic. It soon became apparent that the only way to control my son was bribery - so every time he goes he gets the promise of a chocolate frog if he behaves - and more recently the option of a mini lollipop. So far so good. Today he paused before getting into the car to get his reward to stroke and kiss the (dirty, approximately 10 year old) people carrier parked next to me, I asked him why he had done it and he said with great sincerity 'Acus (because) I luff it'.


Charlie and I have been swimming again today. I went through the usual realisation that I had hairy legs 10 minutes before leavings and butchered them again. The pool was bloody freezing - we endured 40 minutes of teeth chattering and then gave up - Charlie kept talking about sharks and worked himself up so much that every time I moved away from him he screamed 'SHARK'S COMIN'!' and madly doggy paddled towards me, panting loudly as if he were being pursued by Jaws.


We then went to the Supermarket where Charlie will sit in a trolley as long as it's a 'funny one wiv no seat' - this is my fault having plonked him in one the other day. However this does curb my spending as there is only enough space for a small amount of shopping due Charlie taking up the majority of the trolley, also if he doesn't like the look of anything or it's in his way he chucks it over the side. As I wheeled him round he decided to shout 'hello' at people - well to be more specific; women or ''adies' as Charlie refers the female race - he waited until they got very close - quietly leaned forward and literally bellowed in their face 'HELLO!' and then guffawed loudly if he managed to make them jump. He was chuckling away today after doing just this and then went very quiet, I asked if he was alright and he leaned back in the trolley towards me, gave me a conspiratorial look and whispered - 'iss anuffer 'ady comin''. 

Bike ride

Charlie was out on his bike earlier - it's a balance bike so has no pedals. This confused Charlie and he told me they had fallen off. I kitted him out in elbow and knee pads and a Spiderman helmet - he got pissed off after approximately 5 minutes and abandoned his bike and ran off up the road.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

Charlie has continued his quest in how to be badly behaved. We went to a children's adventure centre today and met up with Charlie's friend Joe who is 3. He and Charlie generally play very well together but today seemed to be the exception. They spent over 2 hours beating each other up. Every time Charlie returned to the table he looked more and more dishevelled  - he'd run back take a swig from his drink (water) growling and then going back for more. He was progressively looking worse and worse and by the time we left he looked terrible. Incidentally, the reason we left was because I moved Charlie from the bottom of the slide to prevent him getting a kicked and was rewarded with a smack round the head for my trouble.


He has this thing with his food where he won't have it removed from his table even if he doesn't want to eat it, he has just bellowed at me from the garden (jabbing his finger at me to reiterate his point), 'LEAVE DA FUD ALONE!' as I tried to move some (incredibly cold) toast.

Cinema and loo

Despite me repeatedly telling Charlie he was not going to the cinema this afternoon due to his behaviour - we went to the cinema - I am crap. I was struggling to strap him into his car seat (telling him again he wouldn't go to the cinema if he didn't stay still - he obviously knew this wasn't true and totally ignored me). I said, 'Will you stay still while I tie you up?!' (meaning 'do you up'). Charlie started shouting 'No mummy, don't tie me up!' Of course, as usual, there were plenty of people about to hear him.


We are currently going through the trauma of potty training and Charlie particularly likes using the toilet. Today he stood on his step as I whooped and cheered, 'Go on - do a wee, do a wee!' - he turned to me with a sigh and said quietly, 'Turn round pease'. I then told him to lean forward and he said 'Mummy going to push Charlie down the loo?' I told him that wasn't my intention, so reassured he did so. After 10 minutes he managed 3 drops which required the loo to be flushed 4 times, he then showed how fond he is of the toilet by kneeling down and hugging the bowl and then attempted to kiss the seat. 

Charlie goes visiting

Just got back from a friend's house - Charlie's behaviour was pretty awful. He didn't speak to her 2 year old daughter other than to berate her for touching a ladybird (which he virtually crushed when he touched it), tell her off for playing with her own toys, react furiously when she had the audacity to say she also likes popcorn and then ended the visit by telling her off for looking at a spider. He did pause briefly from his tirade to hit himself on the head with a baby walker causing a cut to his eye, he was mildly pleasant for a short time after this - I can only assume he was mildly concussed. The perfect house guest.

Big bottom

Charlie has surpassed himself and shouted big bottom at someone who had an ENORMOUS bottom.  


He is currently eating chicken and rice whilst sporting a rather stylish moustache - this was drawn by myself (at his request) with a Benefit eyeliner. I had a hard decision as to which moustached icon I should make my 2 year old resemble and settled for Hitler.

Adult behaviour

After dropping Charlie off at nursery, whilst driving back, I came across a cyclist wobbling a bit precariously on the fairly narrow road - I went through the usual quandary of whether to overtake him when a car was coming in the opposite direction - if successful I would save about 30 seconds and if not; possibly kill him, me and whoever was in the oncoming vehicle. I decided to wait. I then spotted the half eaten muffin sitting on the 'Waybuloo' plate on the passenger seat (Charlie couldn't decide whether to finish it and decided that we should take it so he could make his decision on the move - I actually nearly drove off with it on the bonnet of the car which pleased him no end) and was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to lob it out of the passenger window at the cyclist as I overtook him. I then reasoned this could also potentially result in his death and again  took the sensible option. I am becoming quite mature.

(L)eggs

Just remembered - he calls his legs 'eggs'. He is perfectly capable of sounding his 'l's' and he also knows what an egg is - nutter.

Pirates and carrots

Just put Charlie to bed and read him a book about pirates - his favourite subject for bedtime stories. This one particular book was about a pirate who needed a parrot. I pointed to the parrot and asked Charlie if he knew what it was - he said 'a carrot'. I told him he was nearly right and asked him to try and say 'parrot' he kept repeating 'carrot' - I explained that was a vegetable (incidentally; he knows exactly what carrots are) and not a bird (and birds) - but still 'carrot'. I can  only hope he doesn't chose to become a pirate as he'll look a right twat with a root vegetable on his shoulder.  

Animals

We had a full day out today and ventured to Mead Open Farm - Charlie was very well behaved and loved feeding the animals although he did successfully climb over one of the metal barriers in attempt to get into the pig pen. He also enjoyed the adventure play area and one point, when looking up I saw him go up to a little boy who was approximately 18 months and say 'Boo!'. The child promptly burst into tears - Charlie, unaware I had witnessed the event came to the table and said, 'Hello mummy, I been scarin' babies'.


I then had an interesting 15 minutes witnessing a teenage girl shouting at her parents; much to their embarrassment - this resulted in her calling her mother pathetic and her father a w*nker. I got myself a drink, sat back and enjoyed the show.

Red nose day

I  was just thinking about mother's day whilst looking at my emails and saw one titled 'Spoil your mother this Mother's Day', I clicked into it and was surprised that the gift suggestion was 'a pile of rubble delivered to your door' I quickly realised I had clicked onto the free-ads email below by mistake. Although tempted (and it is free after all) I'm not sure that this would be the  ideal mother's day gift and would possibly only be surpassed by a pile of poo.


When picking Charlie up from nursery he proudly presented me with a red nose day biscuit he had made. He was especially pleased that he managed to smack his friend Joe on the head with it before we left. The weapon in question was a Rich Tea with a blob of icing and a cherry in the middle and when in the car (and out of earshot) I muttered to myself, '' looks like a boob' - big ears Charlie responded immediately (and furiously), 'ISS ('is' rhymes with 'hiss' in Charlie speak) NOT A BOOBY, ISS A NOSE BISCUIT!' 

Dirty food

When getting ready to pick Charlie up from nursery and go swimming - a joy for him and a nightmare for me - he splashes around keeping warm - I stand there saying how brilliant he is half immersed in tepid water; freezing. I suddenly realised I hadn't shaved my legs - I was actually quite tempted to not bother and hope the hair would provide a bit of insulation. Vanity clearly won and a quick glance at the clock showed I had 10 minutes - so ran upstairs, burned myself and soaked my top but finally after some possessed shaving ended up with hair-free and in some parts - skin- free legs. I ran up to the bedroom, glanced at the clock and was surprised to see I had actually gained 10 minutes. As time travel is not actually a proven science I summised that the clock I initially referred to had actually stopped 12 hours ago and it was sod's law it was close to the real time. In retrospect I think stubble would have been preferable to the shaving rash.


I was very happy to see 'all' next to Charlie's name when I picked him up from nursery. This means he had eaten all his lunch - most mothers are ridiculously pleased about very small things like this. In the car I asked what he had eaten (knowing it was roast chicken) - after a thorough interrogation he admitted to having eaten chicken and even confided he'd also had some potatoes. He then went on to say he said he had yogurt for pudding. I asked if it was nice, he said yes, but it was a bit dirty. I obviously questioned this and he said again his yogurt was nice but a bit dirty - he then expanded and told me it had bits of dirt in it. I asked whether this might have been pieces of fruit - nope - definitely dirt.

Running

After dropping Charlie off at nursery I embarked on my (now fairly regular) run.

Before I had Charlie I used to do 6 miles without blinking (not literally) and now 2 miles is a bloody effort. I spend a long time trying to convince myself not to go due to various (often imaginary) reasons - adverse weather conditions, a cold etc. before finally realising that not going will trigger 'the guilt'. 

I always hope that if I am unfortunate enough to see anyone it is at the beginning, when I am looking sprightly (however my friend did offer me water as I ran past her the other day until I explained I had been running for about 2 minutes and wasn’t particularly dehydrated) and moving relatively quickly as opposed to the end when I resemble a demented slug.

Today’s run was particularly stressful due to my running tights. They decided to continually disappear up my arse as I ran. They are not the most flattering when in the correct position (that is my assumption anyway) and significantly less so when doing this. I became totally preoccupied with checking for passing motorists so I could liberate them as privately as one can on a fairly busy road. I was also slightly concerned that they were not doing this 2 days ago. My bottom has clearly grown since Monday.

This however is not as embarrassing as when I decided to do laps a few weeks ago. At the start I encountered 3 teenage boys doing some work on a Nova (looking at it) – I felt slightly self conscious and ran past quite fast; staring ahead, I noticed a smirk the second time as I was slightly slower and the third time could not fail to miss that they were pissing themselves when I staggered past, heaving occasionally. I was too ashamed (and equally unable) to attempt a fourth time.

The shame

We just got back from a long walk - made longer by the fact that we went at approximately half a mile per hour. 


We stopped to look at twigs and grass and debate whether dirt is dirty (it isn't according to Charlie). We then had to stop at a building site and watch a digger, tipper truck and road-roller for 20/30 minutes. The builders on this site are used to us doing this - Charlie firsts selects a stick then kneels by the fence and thrusts it through the gap and waves it madly shouting 'DIG MAN DIG!' at them like some sort of possessed foreman. I'm sure they all think that I fancy them and that's why we really stop - quite insulting; the youngest being slightly older than Charlie, the oldest approaching 80 and little in-between. 


The rest of the walk was fairly uneventful (even in comparison to the first bit), Charlie bellowing 'HI!' whenever we saw someone - a bit confusing as up until mid-walk and since he learned how to speak he's always said 'Hello' .


We then popped into the local butchers and all was fine until; when leaving he said to the (female) butcher 'Bye-bye, see you later big bottom'. Many of my friends and relatives have experienced this but it is slightly embarrassing when he says it to a (big-bottomed) stranger. 


We then walked back and he asked me to hold his hand - not a normal request as he usually likes to run ahead - it became clear when he immediately started hanging off my hand dragging on the floor shrieking ''S(h)E'S TAKIN' ME, S(h)E'S TAKIN' ME!' 

General confusion

Yesterday Charlie decided to run around me as I sat on the floor which was quite sweet until I received a head-butt from behind. In a slightly concussed manner I asked him what on earth he was doing. Charlie has never really explained his actions before and it went like this ‘Well – I runnin’ roun’ da mummy (sigh ) an I kick da leg (short demonstration of kicking) and felled over (arms flapping in distress) and hurt da arm (holding arm and looking sad) – and subsequently forgot all about my head.

We've had a busy day today - nursery (him), an animal hospital, the park and then Co-op. He went straight to the DVDs as usual - randomly grabbing various  titles – The Haunting, Exorcist etc. shouting – ‘I got dat’ at horrified passers by.

When we got home I went to put the washing in and noticed that there was washing liquid all over the floor, I couldn't work out where it was coming from and ended up turning it upside down and balancing it against the wall to prevent further spillage. Charlie came to inspect what I was doing and after watching me for a while, prodded the washing liquid and pointed out out a small hole - and said, 'No Mummy - Charlie make the hole der'. 

He tried another explanation during his bath later; a major incident occurred: he disappeared under the water for roughly a 10th of a second - this made yesterday's effort appear almost succinct - 'Put der head on a - Oh - (sigh) - an it (sigh) in a water - under it - Oh - Oh - Ahhhhh' this continued for approximately 5 minutes before he finally gave up on the English language altogether and just made noises. 

He went to bed at 7.45pm with his constant companion of the moment; a raccoon glove puppet that his Auntie Lucy bought him. He has a bit of trouble with the word 'raccoon' and it has ended up  the dubious name of ‘'coon’. I am not overly comfortable with this, especially in when in public and more so because it was recently brought to my attention that it’s actually a Lemur.

Sunday

Charlie asleep until 9.15am - bliss. Putting him to bed at 1am seems to work (I am lying).


He decided that it was very important to see what was going on outside today so, being too small to see out of the window; stood on my make-up bag so he was able to do so. He immediately knocked over the air-freshener with a well rehearsed 'Oops'. After picking up the bits I was unable to locate where to put one of the batteries - and muttered to myself that it was a mystery. He immediately looked round and said, 'Mummy, a misty? Scooby Doo can solve da misty'. Unfortunately he was unavailable.


When dressing him he was protesting at wearing a pink jumper, he then discovered that it had a small embroidered car logo on it and danced around the front room in joy suddenly feeling manly.


We went to Pizza Express for a late lunch and he was surprisingly well behaved - he sat on our table for his dough-balls before deciding that the people on table next to us looked more interesting. He went over and introduced himself, 'Pease to meet you - I Mr.Charlie' (always 'Mr Charlie' to strangers and Charlie to those he knows - he's formal like that) and ended up having a straw fight - this consists of thrusting the straw forward violently and shouting 'stupify' with a 5 year old named Annabel. He returned briefly for some pizza, which he took to another table, this time an empty table for 2 (he clearly finds us incredibly dull) and dined alone. He then returned again for his ice-cream and when this was finished went back to Annabel's table to share her dough-balls and Nutella.


When I asked what he would like for supper (much later) he said 'poo', he was then in a quandary as to what type - dog, cat or mouse. Unfortunately I was out of poo so he ended up with a banana and a yogurt.


He sleeps.

Eggs

Charlie looked into a bowl containing 2 broken eggs this morning and said 'boobies' - what is more concerning is that; as far I am aware - mine are the only ones he's ever seen...

Saturday Morning

Charlie woke bright and early as is normal for Saturday and put his request in for breakfast - a lollipop (his new obsession since he sampled his first one earlier this week; despite me repeatedly telling him he would be at least 20 before he got the opportunity to do so) and a cheese string. He ended up with a banana and a hot cross bun - and chose to eat the latter with a stilton spoon.


At some point he noticed a cut on my arm and gave it a 'kiss better' as I always do with his various injuries - he then said that it was okay now as he had 'eaten the hurt'. An interesting concept. 


We are now attempting to potty train yet again (there's a lollipop up for grabs) and he is walking round the house in a pair of 'Lightening McQueen' pants and a Liverpool sweat band. 


Quick update - forget the pants - and the lollipop...

Oops

Charlie and I have just been to the Co-op - he ran up to a man with a large moustache in the vegetable aisle and shouted 'YOU A PIRATE!' at him.

Oil - yum.

I woke Charlie up this morning at 7.40am, after going through the usual charade of him hiding under the covers and pretending he wasn’t there followed by protestations of ‘I tired’ he decided to get up. 

When downstairs I gave him his banana (he initially refused to eat it because his leg hurt on the ‘straight bit near da bottom’) which he subsequently broke in half, suddenly his main priority in life was to mend it. After 10 minutes hard labour he was a sobbing wreck and only agreed to eat the ‘broken’ banana after numerous threats (mine) of chucking it in the bin. He then proceeded to ram two thirds of it in his mouth and was unable to speak for 5 minutes – once I established he was not choking I sat back and enjoyed the silence.

We then got dressed quickly and left for nursery. For some reason, outside the front door there is a large container of Castrol GTX engine oil – Charlie immediately spotted this and pointed it at it and asked ‘have dis on da pancakes later?’ 

My first blog

I suppose I ought to start my introducing myself – I am Leonie and I have a 2 and half year old son called Charlie. I work part time from home and spend the remainder of my day with my son. I decided to start a blog after numerous friends commented on my Facebook status updates relating to my observations on life and mainly Charlie. It was suggested I should expand and start a blog. 

So here we are.