Bogger it

Those of you who see my Facebook updates may recall that my son’s first sentence was not ‘Love you mummy’ or ‘Nice doggy’ but ‘Fuck off fly’, a proud moment indeed. This was clearly due to me and I have made huge efforts not to swear in front of him. However ‘bloody’ and ‘bugger’ (and ‘cock’ but that is driving talk) seem a difficult habit to break. This has resulted in Charlie shouting, ‘OH MY BOGGERS!’ when anything is causing him aggravation. Then, yesterday, as I changed the sheets and he was (really annoyingly) lying in the bed I was changing, we were having a ‘discussion’ about whether the TV should be on and he told me: ‘Just turn the bloody TV on’. I tried to be cross but found it hilarious and buried my face in my hands to hide my amusement for fear of encouraging him further. He was rather concerned and asked if I was crying – he then prised my fingers away from my face and said, ‘You iss not crying, you iss bloody laughing.’ 

White goods misuse

This morning Charlie was playing in the lounge with Scooby Doo characters and I was washing up in the kitchen. He then walked into the kitchen and opened the door of the tumble dryer, there was a clunk and he then shut it again. I said that I hoped he wasn’t putting something in there to which he responded  ‘Zombies’ and returned to the lounge.

He has been told on numerous occasions not to put things in the tumble dryer and washing machine. He stuffed a potato smiley face into the washing powder compartment so successfully it went unnoticed for 2 months. Last week he emptied an entire container of banana milkshake into the drum – he was so delighted he celebrated with dancing and whooping, unfortunately this took place next to the washing machine which gave him away. 

Shopping again

Yesterday afternoon we went to Tesco.  I did some (brilliant) singing on the way which Charlie gleefully informed me was ‘rubbish’ I continued in the car park and was informed I had progressed to ‘hobble (horrible)’. This is despite the fact that Charlie had woken up at 6.45am the day before and lay in bed singing  (wailing) ‘Scooby dooby do where are you? Lotsa work to do now’ for 30 minutes.

I got Charlie to agree to shopping by promising rides on the toys outside. I am sure I am the only mother that is stupid enough to let their child ride on the toys both on the way in and the way out of the supermarket. Post rides I managed to ram him in the trolley after explaining that I needed to fit some shopping in so he would have to sit in the proper bit (this took a Ben 10 ball) and shopping commenced. We got to the fruit and vegetables and I said I was going to buy him some grapes, he said he didn’t want any. I told him he definitely did and he told me to ‘Bog off’ very loudly. This is one of my favourite expressions so I must be held accountable for this.  He then starting prodding my boobs and shouting ‘BEEP BEEP’, I politely asked him not to do this and he said in a puzzled manner, ‘But I sayin’ beep beep on  ‘em’. This continued for some time until we went past the baby section and he started asking for baby food – I told him he wouldn’t like it but he was determined and I so selected a squeezy mango puree, he took one slurp and nearly gagged saying it was ‘issgustin’. He then occupied his time leaning out of the trolley looking for the most bedraggled, dirtiest people he could find and shouting ‘HELLO!’ at them, one of whom followed us for a while. This is something he does frequently, he will walk up the street ignoring ‘normal’ looking people saying nothing and then someone who looks like they have been released from Broadmoor will walk past and he’ll try and strike up a conversation with them. The end of the trip culminated in Charlie announcing to a number of people in the household cleaning aisle, ‘DON’T EAT DA SQUIRRALS FROM HERE, I MEAN IT - DON’T EAT DEM’. 

Thief

Charlie just came up to me and asked if he could go to the burger place. He then went into the kitchen and came back with a packet of cakes and said 'have one?' After he had finished that he went back to the kitchen, I heard the cupboard door open and he came back in looking shifty and went over to the chair and stood with his back to me, he quickly unwrapped something and rammed it in his mouth, turned round and grinned at me with an entire mint Viscount in his mouth. He then went back into the kitchen to throw the wrapper in the bin and returned eating a massive banana. I think he may be hungry.

Charlie's first wind-up

When I picked Charlie up from nursery today I had placed 4 little foil wrapped chocolate eggs on his car seat. I asked him not to throw the wrappers on the floor, having cleaned my car for the first time in approximately 18 months (after having difficulty identifying the whereabouts of the steering wheel) I am now going through a ‘keep it tidy’ stage. Charlie said in an offended manner, ‘I iss not frowin’ it on da floor, I iss frowin’ it on da seats’. I promptly passed him a rubbish bag. He happily tucked into the eggs but after a while started asking for my help. I explained I was driving and it was a little awkward and asked  what the problem was. ‘Poblem  iss diss’  he repeated various times telling me nothing. I took a quick glance round (and nearly swerved off the road so not to be recommended) and was met with Charlie thrusting a partially melted egg imbedded into a yellow foil wrapper at me, ‘diss iss da poblem - iss stuck’. I returned to looking at the road and said that I would help him when we stopped and he replied, ‘Iss alright I okay now’. I was puzzled and asked how he had managed this, ‘put it in da mouf mummy – I eat it - yum’. I asked whether he had eaten the whole thing and got a  tentative ‘yesss’ I once again asked if he had eaten it, he had obviously noticed that my tone indicated that I was not particularly enthusiastic about his foil consumption and this time was met with , ‘Nooo’. I tried again and this time he said ‘Da man ate it’. He then elaborated but first adopted what he obviously thought was mysterious zombie like/ ghostly voice (Scooby-doo is to blame) ‘Da man mummy, da uva man ate it, not Charlie, da uva man in da car’. I started to get marginally pissed off as despite Charlie’s best efforts I was well aware there wasn’t a zombie in the back and it was clearly Charlie who had eaten it. I questioned him all the way back and he refused to supply me with any more information. When we got back I climbed into the back of the car and asked him again, he started singing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy I got rubbish in my tummy’ (which I thought was genius). He then produced the wrapper which he had hidden behind his seat.

Haircut

Charlie had his hair cut again on Saturday. This time he took a (toy) gun with him. There was a miserable old git having his hair cut first and Charlie stood in front of him looking very serious and pointing the gun at his head repeatedly saying, ‘I goin’ a shoot you man’. The fact that the man in question wasn’t remotely amused made it fantastic to watch and pleased Charlie enormously. When the victim got up from the chair I immediately noticed that he had an huge bottom as did Charlie who walked behind him to have a better look – Charlie looked at me and grinned whilst I mouthed to him, ‘please Charlie no, don’t say it’, he thought about it and then came to me and whispered it instead. He then shouted at the man’s back as he left the shop – ‘SHOOT YOU MAN!’  After this he went to the hairdresser pointed the gun at her and said, ‘Cut mine hair’ and as an afterthought ‘PLEASE!’  After his haircut we walked round the shops with me holding Charlie at gunpoint at his request. He had quite a lot of hair chopped off and looks slightly like a young Hitler (as well as sounding a bit like him) which is unfortunate.

Short break

Charlie will be taking a short vacation to Centre Parcs and; due to his mummy's inability to utilise her iphone to its full potential, will not be blogging this week. He hopes you have a good week.